Dear Suicidal “Me”

Dear Suicidal “Me,”

What were you trying to accomplish? I know, you wanted to “kill yourself.” But what does that even mean? What constitutes the “self” that you wanted to “kill.”

If you had carried out the impulse to step in front of that bus, or leap off that four-story precipice, or thrust that kitchen knife, what exactly would you have accomplished? The death of your self? No. The death of a conception of “yourself.” Sure. But that’s it.

You would have ended a stream of thoughts, and the illusion that those thoughts were being created by some ethereal “you.” But this “you” never actually existed. This “you” was created by your mind when, again and again, you were blamed for your thoughts, shamed for your feelings, and held “responsible” for your behavior. That’s how this relentless illusion of “you” came into being.

But there is no “you” in control of your thoughts. Indeed, this “you” is just another thought, albeit a very, very persistent one. The true Source of “your” thoughts, feelings, and behavior is the same Source of the Earth’s gyrations, the ocean’s oscillations, and the songbird’s good vibrations.

So you would have “killed” a stream of thoughts. But nothing would have really died. Thoughts are just a fantastic form of the one, eternal Source. Compare the miracle of thought to the relatively mundane phenomenon of a waving ocean or a spinning planet. Made of the same atoms following the same laws, thoughts transcend their physical constituents with a complexity and dimension that fascinates and enthralls you. And when I say “you,” I really mean the thoughts that comprise “you.” In reality, thoughts fascinate and enthrall themselves!

I know what you are going to say: You already knew all of this, and you were still suicidal. For fuck’s sake, you put your head through a cabinet before resolving to starve yourself into extinction!

But then it occurred, four days into your slow surrender to death. The “you” of your thoughts dissolved for a moment, back into the Stream from which it came. And in this transitory void, there was only You. The real You, beneath the Stream, beyond the mind. The “you” of your thoughts actually “died,” and you didn’t have to jump off a ledge for it to happen. You only had to accept “death,” to face it with fearsome surrender.

You came back to life with a newfound Embrace. Now nothing could hurt You, the intangible Presence that transcends Life Itself.

But wait! One week after this miracle of “awakening,” there you were, lying on the bathroom floor with a razor pressed against your veins! 

Of course you were! The suicidal “you” comes from the same Source as every other form of “you.” So when you awakened to the formless You, there was no reason to expect anything to change.

Your suicidal impulses never came from You. They came from the one Source. But, once you let go of the thought-based “you,” something did change. The suicidal impulses became impersonal and divine. And you realized this, a few minutes into your destructive despair—when you put down the razor and laughed!

The moment you realized that even your darkest movements are sacred, your destructive fervor faded, because destruction is incompatible with reverence. Darkness is incompatible with Light.

And that was it. Over these last years, your self-rejection has dissolved, along with your “self.” There have been fickle flights of suicidal fancy, but the moment they are embraced they flutter out of sight! And now the door is always open to their dark yet sacred wings.

Sincerely,

Much Less Suicidal (Because Suicide Is Embraced As A Sacred Form Of Oneness) “Me”

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(Thank you so much for reading! If you think these words can touch anyone else in a positive way, please share them! I’ve been to the depths of darkness and I know firsthand how seemingly impossible it can be to carry on. I am lucky to have survived, and to have found an unwavering source of light. I want to shine it on those still groping through the night. ❤️)   

 

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